Mourning the Death of a Relative You Didn't Know

By Elise Nelson on May 29, 2017

What do you call it when a family member who you barely knew has died? Is it considered losing a loved one? Do you, the distant kin who may have little to no heartfelt memories of the dead, have the right to consider them your loved one? Do you have the right to be shaken up by the loss just as much as the people who knew them well?

The answer is yes, absolutely. Whether it be by blood or by marriage, you share a bond with this person, and when that bond was broken it left a wound. The wound may now have a confusing sting, and you can’t figure out why.

It could be a feeling of regret for not being closer to them. Or maybe it’s sympathy for the relatives that might be hurting a little more than you are. Open to Hope suggests that sometimes the pain is a reflection of our own vulnerability. I’ve come to realize that all of these things are perfectly normal.

Last week, my Great Aunt Caryl passed away in her home. I awoke the day after her death to a Facebook status that my aunt had made in memory of Aunt Caryl, and a wave of shock rushed through my body, followed by a hollow sadness. But I couldn’t understand why I had been hurting in that moment because I didn’t remember her much.

Photo courtesy of Kim Nelson

Aunt Caryl visited our home frequently when I was a small child, but that was before I could store long-term memories. I spoke to Aunt Caryl a few times since then indirectly via email exchanges between her and my mother. I know that I do have memories of her, but I can’t rattle my brain enough to bring them forward and it is frustrating. Maybe this is the case for you, too.

Sometimes the best thing to do is get to know the person you’ve lost. Yes, this is possible after they are already gone. Get in touch with those who knew your loved one well, even if it means tracking down strangers. Fill the emptiness with knowledge of who they were. Look at photos and listen to stories. You can even trace some family history with sites like Ancestry.

Photo courtesy of Kim Nelson

I asked my mother about my great aunt. Caryl Mangialaschi grew up in Scranton, Pennsylvania and never left. She had an eye for style, both sophisticated and eclectic. She loved to decorate and do crafts. She attended yearly birthday celebrations for my older siblings until she became too old to travel. I can see Aunt Caryl’s whimsical and caring personality just by looking at her smile in old photos. I may not have the memories to back this up, but I do know that Aunt Caryl was a loving sister, aunt, babysitter, friend, and godmother.

Hopefully, you’ve learned by now, or you plan to learn, something about your loved one that you may not have found out otherwise. It’s unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to draw us closer to those we wish to know, but maybe this will strengthen bonds between other family branches so that new memories can take shape. Carry with you what you’ve learned, even if none of it came from your own memory because now you know your loved one better than ever before.

Photo courtesy of Kim Nelson

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